WHJ Drafted Player - Miguel Mendez
That’s right. You read the subject line correctly.
As the General Manager in Charge of Dealing with Scott Judson and Other League Officials (GMICODWSJAOLO), I have taken the initiative to recruit Professor Miguel Bad-Azz Mendez to join the Well Hung Jury. This measure was made because, as Jim pointed out in his email, 1/2 the team is NOW suspect and is on the Bendict Arnold Watch.
On Benedict Arnold Watch:
Laura Breznay (who has never come to a single game)
Anna Bokides (who also has never come to a single game)
Saneil Suri (who told me he had no good reason for not coming last Friday)
Brenden Blake (who missed two games so far that I know of)
Order of Business:
1) PLEASE give ROYA $20 for your shirts and headbands.
2) We will be wearing our shirts on Thursday at school to show that team—1L of a Team—that we rock these jerseys better than yo mama can. Tyler has them at his house. Please coordinate with him on how you’re getting your jersey. Mendez has agreed—tentatively—to wear the jersey at school. He said he’d give it some thought, but he’s definitely going to wear it (and obi his green high socks and 1980s shorts he wears to the gym) on Friday at our game. DON’T DISAPPOINT.
3) PLEASE COME TO THE GAME. Professor Mendez will be expecting you….
Every once in awhile, writing the weekly roundup is not only a burden, but also a pleasure. A “pleasden”, if you will. That’s a word I just made up right now. “Killmilliate”. That’s another word I just made up, by combining the words “kill” and “humiliate.” That is what we did to the opposing teams on Friday. Isn’t making up words fun? I wish I could make up a word that means “not only the most talented, but also the best looking, smartest, and most stylish.” I would use that word to describe us, the Well Hung Jury. “Blizatious”? Sure. We were extremely blizatious out there on Friday.
Let me start out by saying that there were only about 7 of us there at any one time. As for the rest of you, I’ll just quote my mother and say: I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Don’t take it personally, but I have authorized full investigations to be run on each of you. Our Director of Investigations will be contacting you in the future to determine your loyalties, elicit blackmail relevant material, and otherwise harass you. Of course, this brings up a sensitive issue, since our DIV is himself under suspicion for his absence. In unrelated news, a new position has recently opened up: Independent Investigatory Auditor Specializing in Internal Investigation. Through my authority as Undersecretary of Polyester Pricing, I appoint Fitz King to this position and charge him with running an investigation against Mo. Because Fitz himself has long been under investigation, I believe the appointment will foster the spirit of suspicion and intrigue for which the Well Hung Jury stands.
So there we were. Seven of us. A mere, lowly, miniscule seven. Surely not enough to win a game. Why, that’s only enough to put two people in the field. Seven. Obviously, not a threat…
But wait! What is that? What is that these seven (admittedly quite good looking) players are wearing? Are those…headbands? Oh shit, are those…jerseys? Oh snap! Those people look bad-ass. And what is that sound? Oh shit, it’s some sweet tunes that play whenever they go up to bat. And what are those cans that they have plenty of? Could it be….it is! Beer!
The sight quietened most doubters, but there were still a few lone haters murmuring to themselves about our team size until….BOOM!!!! Hits raining down like lightening. Base running like the Flash. Untouchable as shadows in the moonlight. Shit talking like Meg Whitman.
Slowly, it began to dawn on the Stepdads, within their swollen ranks, among all 50 of those suckas, that they were not in Contracts anymore. They had been transported to a strange Narnia-style land where instead of being bigger and stronger than everyone else, they were weak and puny. The poor bastards could only watch as these headband clad gods and goddesses had their fun. Their embarrassment was so embarrassing that it embarrassed us as well.
Then we cooled our heels, drank beer, and waited for our next game to start. In the meanwhile, we lost Fitz, who had been immediately drafted by a talent scout who was strolling through the park and sent to San Francisco to pinch hit for the Giants. But luckily, he was replaced in the nick of time by the towering Tyler Layton.
The next team…oh my…the next team. Where do I even begin? Ok, their name: 1L of a Team. Well. I just wrote and deleted 5 different things about that name just now. Too much potentially defamatory liability. I suppose I’ll let it rest at this: original. Very…original. Secondly, the team… I wonder if people have been hearing things that aren’t terribly flattering about some of this 1L class? Anybody? Well, if not, get ready. This team was full of [redacted]. But the good news is that despite their general disagreeability, we played a fantastic game and put them to silence. Roya got a hit every time she was at bat, and caught a tricky foul ball off of third base. Tyler, despite being forced to use the most girly bat I’ve ever seen, smoked several towering hits deep into the middle of other games. Beth and Maytak were demonic with their skills. They were like nightmares or phantasms. David was more like a vampire: sucking the blood out of the 1L hopes for a victory. They even attempted to resort to cheating and arguing about every little stupid play. Fat lot of good it did them. For our part, we set a shining example of how to be cool about things. Because aside from being terrors, and paragons of skill and good looks, the Well Hung Jury are also role models. The lesson we passed on that day is that in softball, like in life, there will always those who are more talented and less annoying than you are. And those people are us, The Well Hung Jury.
PS: Show up on Friday! You will get your jersey and headband. $20 covers both of them. If you want to pay earlier, just give the cash to me or Roya in school.
FREEZE! Somebody bring me back some money please!
Disclaimer: this week’s round-up e-mail has been written using the lyrics from our psych up songs. As such, it makes no sense. David Green: Hey Jim, “in me you can confide, when no one’s by your side. Let me be your everlasting light” at first base. Jim: “You took me by surprise, opened up my eyes, now we gotta talk this over.” Maytak’s First-at-Bat, talking to the opposing team “Vision messed up cause I’m drinking the lean, Make your main gal wanna get on my team.” Jim’s reaction to Fitz’s dropped catch in the outfield “Make a business for yourself, boy, set some goals, Make a fat diamond out of dusty coals!” Second Opponent: Offensive Contact Yo, I “got some, dirt on my shoulder, could you brush it off for me?” Kurt, right before his homerun “In a silk suit, tryin’ not to sweat, hit somersaults without the net, but this’ll be the year that we won’t forget” After his homerun “Feelin no remorse, feelin like my hand was forced…All the ladies they love me, from the bleachers they screamin’, All the ballers is bouncin they like the way I be leanin’.” Third Opponent: Eminent Domination Maytak to Anurita, after Mo called Anurita out for being this week’s Benedict Arnold “See i dont, know why, i liked you so much, I gave you all, of my trust, I told you, i loved you, now thats all down the drain, Ya put me through pain, i wanna let u know that i feel…” Mo’s First-at-bat, Fitz is pitching “Heart cold as assassins, I got no passion, I got no patience, and I hate waitin’.” Lauren’s reaction “Control yourself” Jen getting on base after Big Puccinelli almost killed her “Thunder pounds when I stomp the ground (Woo!)” Jim, after the win “There’s nothing else to do, We’ve gotta talk it over.” Beth: No mercy, only good looks! This Week’s Schedule!!!! Let Maytak know if you won’t be at the game 4:00 PM: Cesspool of Desire/Stepdads 4:45 PM: Too Drunk for Intent/Indecent Exposure 5:30 PM: 2Ls 1 Cup
“Uno, dos, tres, it’s on…”
First Opponent: Unestoppable
Jim: “Who want some? Don’t come un-pre-pared, I’ll be there, but when I leave there, I better be a household name.”
Opponent: “Is it so serious?”
Jen: Yes, “big things happen every time we meet, like a track team, crack fiend, dying to geek, Outkast bumpin’ up and down the street.”
Jim: Alright guys, the “dark days are through.”
David Green: “Let me be your everlasting light.”
Saneil, shaking his head: “Whenever you need some soul, start [me] up.”
Fitz gets on base, talking to opposing first baseman
David Green: Hey Jim, “in me you can confide, when no one’s by your side. Let me be your everlasting light” at first base.
Jim: “You took me by surprise, opened up my eyes, now we gotta talk this over.”
Maytak’s First-at-Bat, talking to the opposing team
“Vision messed up cause I’m drinking the lean, Make your main gal wanna get on my team.”
Jim’s reaction to Fitz’s dropped catch in the outfield
“Make a business for yourself, boy, set some goals, Make a fat diamond out of dusty coals!”
Second Opponent: Offensive Contact
Yo, I “got some, dirt on my shoulder, could you brush it off for me?”
Kurt, right before his homerun
“In a silk suit, tryin’ not to sweat, hit somersaults without the net, but this’ll be the year that we won’t forget”
After his homerun
“Feelin no remorse, feelin like my hand was forced…All the ladies they love me, from the bleachers they screamin’, All the ballers is bouncin they like the way I be leanin’.”
Third Opponent: Eminent Domination
Maytak to Anurita, after Mo called Anurita out for being this week’s Benedict Arnold
“See i dont, know why, i liked you so much, I gave you all, of my trust, I told you, i loved you, now thats all down the drain, Ya put me through pain, i wanna let u know that i feel…”
Mo’s First-at-bat, Fitz is pitching
“Heart cold as assassins, I got no passion, I got no patience, and I hate waitin’.”
Jen getting on base after Big Puccinelli almost killed her
“Thunder pounds when I stomp the ground (Woo!)”
Jim, after the win
“There’s nothing else to do, We’ve gotta talk it over.”
Beth: No mercy, only good looks!
This Week’s Schedule!!!! Let Maytak know if you won’t be at the game
4:00 PM: Cesspool of Desire/Stepdads
4:45 PM: Too Drunk for Intent/Indecent Exposure
5:30 PM: 2Ls 1 Cup
The Well-Hung Jury: Tomfoolery and Congratulatory Celebration!!
Ladies, gentlemen, and esteemed members of the Well-Hung community,
As a threshold matter, we, the Well-Hung management, would like to congratulate and thank you for your agreement to join our humble venture. Your membership, along with the financial backing of shadowy political organizations (Log Cabin Republicans) and a number deposed Saudi Princes, has made this fever-dream a reality. Three hearty huzzahs to you, the future Well-Hung leaders of America!!!
The Well Hung Jury (hereafter “WHJ”) Subcommittee on Tomfoolery and Congratulatory Celebrations (hereafter “WHJSCOTACC”) has met (in secret) and has unanimously recommended tomfoolery and celebration take place. The proposed affair is set for Saturday August 28th in this, the year of our lord Two Thousand and Ten. Special Assistant to the Subcommittee on Recruiting and Retention James Beck has generously offered, in exchange for the safe return of his loved ones, to host the tomfoolery and celebration (hereafter “party”). Please direct your chauffeurs to deliver you to the following address no later than 10:00 PM on the aforementioned date:
1429 Farragut Circle
Davis, CA, 95618
In case of emergency, call 267-235-9571.
Furthermore, I am pleased to inform you that the Well Hung Jury Commission for the Introduction of Unusual Activities (“WHJCIUA”) has considered and approved an “Egg Drop” competition for the “party”. This contest, which will test your engineering, creativity, and shit-talking skills, will be sure to delight and entertain all in attendance. All materials will be provided, teams will be randomized, and there will be highly coveted prizes for the winners.
So come one, come all. Bring booze, though a reasonable quantity of spirits will be on hand.
Your friends and Overseers,
The WHJSCOTACC; WHJCIUA
Please note an addendum to our previous email. The WHJ members seeking to fill the position of Vice-Manager in Charge of Dealing With Scott Judson and Other League Officials will be required to submit up-to-date vaccination records and disclaim all liability on the part of the Well-Hung Jury Management for any incidental infection with “Aggie Pride” that may occur in the commission of your duties.
Dear Sir and/or Madam,
I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected, out of a large pool of highly qualified candidates, to be invited to join our King Hall softball team, “The Well Hung Jury.” Your application, although not submitted by you yourself, was quite impressive. After careful scrutiny of your qualifications, non-qualifications, pre-qualifications, and personal statement (which, to be clear, was not written by, for, or about you), the Selection Committee has determined that you possess the “well hung” qualities that our team values. What is a “well hung” quality, you wonder? Well, mostly it’s being able to have fun, talk smack, potentially interfere with opposing team warm-ups, invite friends (if you desire), not take the game too seriously, drink on Friday afternoons, and to look and act cooler than other teams. And to talk smack, a value which bears repeating. A quality which the team is ambivalent (at best) about is actual skill in softball.
There are an infinite number of open board positions, among which are:
- General Manager in charge of dealing with Scott Judson and all other League officials (Maytak???)
- General Manager in charge of uniform design
- Assistant to the General Manager in charge of uniform design
- Special Assistant in charge of Polyester Pricing (reports to the Asst. GM of UD, and by proxy GM UD)
- Assistant to the Special Assistant of PP (with operational authority to consider whether bowler hats are proper in an athletic setting)
- General Manager in charge of mascot selection
- Undersecretary of Investigations (potential investigations into team member “loyalties” is encouraged - at least one pre-selected team member has a girlfriend who openly admits that she is a member of another team)
- General Manager in charge of a team cheer
Let us know whether you’re in. The Well Hung Jury would not be possible without your talent and support. And, again, Congratulations!
General Manager in charge of Notification of Selection Committee Results; and Special Assistant to the General Manager in charge of General Managing
PS - The Selection Committee is pleased to inform you that, although your selection was highly…selective…we are happy to take anybody in the world who also wants to be on the team. Anybody. Even someone who is an objectively horrible person. Travel expenses will not be reimbursed